Capt SpaceBat

The European elections are on the 4th of June which is our chance to influence the future political and environmental direction of Europe when electing our local representatives.

Will members use it as a means of punishing their local and national leaders or to direct European representation? On the other hand, will they ignore it as just another opportunity for the self-serving to line up at the trough.

What are the dangers of a low turnout allowing single-issue and extremist parties wielding disproportionate power?

Else most assuredly we shall all hang separately.

More pictures on the wall (C) Ian Springham

“Free at last!”

Inspired by: moving out of the “50’s Soviet Psychiatric Hospital” to a wonderful flat; Wandle HA, Helen’s Art Group and - of course - Sarah.

“Salon 57″ exploratory version. Paint on Canvas. 20 x 20 cm. Signed. Yours for £184 inc. p&p

Inspired by the inability of anyone to run a train service and creative expressionism under Stalinist oppression.

Have also managed to get my online gardening shop inline on one of my other blogs http://blog.gardenlend.co.uk/gardenlend-shop/

Please visit - it’s worth a look for all your gardening and home security needs.

One of my Facebook (& Freecycle) friends tagged me today with “25 Things about me” which spurred me on to write 25 (non-litigious) things about myself.  “Where do I start?” I thought.  So, being methodical, I went through each of the first 25 years of my life with a highlight or two from each year.  The number of things that I had to gloss over: abuses, psychological & physical traumata, more active self-harm, paranoia, emptiness and confusion to name a few.  “Where did it all begin?” was the next question - “somewhere between 0 and 7″ was the proto-Jesuit answer.  “Who shall I tell?” was a further question; as I have only a score or so of friends on Facebook, the selection of the lucky 25 was going to be difficult. I managed 13, one of whom was me, so I felt that as I had failed in even the simplest of revelatory and self-censored chain letters, the battle to crank out something in the order of 75,000 words plus photographs and illustrative artwork was going to be an uphill battle against my natural lethargy, indolence and shame.

Come to think of it, I have managed some 50-plus psychotherapeutic sessions of 50 minutes each: say 2,500 minutes, rounded down to 2,000 of me talking@ 120 words per minutes is nearly quarter of a million words.  All I need to do is to think of my autobiography as a series of private one-to-one sessions rather than addressing the world at large.  I wonder if I can remember everything I said …or does that count as cheating?

Have been trying to extend my reach into the outside world of late - work and its many manifestations.  This has been quite a scary proposition, as it would mean having to meet, get on with, interact with, and possibly have to cope with other people on a very regular basis.

My history of doing this either successfully or well is rather patchy at best - as you might have guessed.  Having BPD does make for somewhat hazardous working relationships - or any relationships, for that matter.  This was part of the reason that I chose I.T. as a profession: having been traumatised by people from a very early age, I thought that computing with its lack of emphasis on the soft machine would make for a safer life, but guess what - it did not, as people were still involved.

With the advent of the Internet and more especially the World Wide Web, the physical interactions with humans did look like it could be minimised, but the expansion of social networking brings people back into it - what to do, when I am sometimes terrified by emails and have paranoid fears about what others may think and share about me?

I suppose I could return “to the soil” but that is similarly tainted by the bullying childhood punishments of my foster-father in my mind,

Perhaps I should “just get over it” - now there is a simplistic answer if ever I heard one; nothing else - except psychotherapy that the NHS is unwilling to pay for and I am unable to afford - seems to work, so I might just try it.  Well, I can always pay for therapy if I earn enough; if I do not, I will probably need it even more.

I suppose I could actually set about writing my autobiography, thus doing mine own talking therapy on paper (or at least on the computer to which I once entrusted my future) - which, as I recall, was one of my New Year resolutions.  Speaking of which, I had better get on with them: getting published, exhibited, better, richer and out of here, as I recall … does anyone want to buy a brass lighter?

We watched “Snow Cake” on TV on Saturday night - a drama focussed on the bond between a high-functioning autistic woman (played by Sigourney Weaver) and a man (Alan Rickman) who visits to explain about her daughter’s death in a road accident.  The film was well-observed and had far fewer gaffes or puddles of melodramatic slurry than one would expect.  As one Signourey Weaver’s neighbours proclaimed so memorably, “I know all about autism - I saw that film …”

I doing was pretty well, anticipating most of Sigourney’s lines, but then I do have the advantage (at least in this case) of being diagnosed with “high-functioning autistic spectrum disorder / Asperger Syndrome” so, extra points all round.

On Sunday, I opened LoveFilm envelope to find … “Snow Cake”, which my wife had ordered some months back for some insight (for me) into autistic behaviour.  I was in two minds whether to watch it again and again and again - you get the picture - but wiser counsel prevailed, as well as finding “Breakfast on Pluto” - a heart-warming tale of an foundling Irish transgender lad’s colourful adventures in the quest to find his mother who had him years before left for London - in the other envelope.  This was a real quirky film in the style cornered by Neil Jordan: loss, heartbreak, desire to belong and for roots in an incomprehensible world just beyond reach due to the effects of actions of others, often so bizarre and deeply rooted that they are accepted as normal. Rang quite a few bells in mine own mind.

Today’s adventures with officialdom passed off with only minor inconvenience in comparison with that suffered by the main protagonists in these movies: HMRC (the tax office) are still processing my tax details and so will have to wait some time as they have only just got through to June 2008’s mailbags and trying to get vinyl flooring ordered online was stymied by stock control issues and various bits of legislation designed to counter credit card fraud and funding of international terrorism; with neither of which I am involved, as I assured the assistant in B&Q; to no avail.  Through some considered thought and action, however, the problem was resolved. 

All I need now do is to apply for a job sorting the post for the Inland Revenue’s new manifestation and the world will nearly be put to rights. 

Do they want the envelopes sorted by colour or by size, I wonder?

As forecast yesterday, we went down to the allotment today to check on things.  Life for me and all those around seems to be returning to at least the outward and visible signs of normal after the prolonged festive period; abandoned Christmas trees littering the streets nearly a week after Twelfth Night.  This is very strange: people chop down and kill deciduous trees which would normally keep their foliage all year round, put them in a bucket in their homes and then complain when the tree’s needles fall off.  Wouldn’t it be more sensible to sit in one’s pyjamas around a live tree, eating sweets and other goodies out of one’s socks?  If the custom had to be continued indoors, why not settle for a bonsai scots pine? German Paganism has a lot to answer for, in my opinion.  Kaizen Bonsai seem to have the answer …

Proof that Christmas is finally over

Down at the allotment, things seem pretty much under control: the beans seem to have made it through the recent cold snap and the kale is still going strong.  Bird feeding rings that look like seed-flavoured bagels were affixed to appropriate high points to keep our feathered friends stocked up on food and essential oils whilst distracting them from the nearby produce.  There is a weath of wildlife at the “leisure gardens” - as I think they are officially designated - feeding is good for them, their habitat and the environment generally, whilst giving close viewing of them - plus points all round!

Feed the birds (on the wires)

Since the cold weather and our earlier industrious excavation meant that there were few brambles or weeds to contend with.  There is a lesson here - dig out the main “root causes” of your troubles and you will only have to manage to clear the odd superficial problem.  Gardening and growing as manageable therapy rather than a Hurculean task - the way forward!

Seeing that little needed immediate attention, we looked around to see other patches and how they were doing.  A nearby allotment had put old household fittings to great use in making containers and raised beds: not quite the frontier spirit according to some people, but inspiring nevertheless: why not put these things to good use rather than ending up in landfill?

Imaginative uses for old household items

Despite our neighbours’ most valiant attempts to control what grows and where it goes about doing so, I was pleased to see a solitary Swiss Chard poking its leaves out from amidst the varying covers that were being used to check weed growth and to protect the underlying beds. Proof, if any were needed, that life goes on - despite the best efforts of others!

There is a crack in everything

(”That’s how the light gets in” - thanks L. Cohen!)

Having written my resolutions for 2009 already, the sort of blog post that I had planned for today has had to change.  Which is good?  Change is good, as is planning; planned, managed change is best.  This is true of many things: blogs, daily activities, work, life, art, computer systems, and the day-to-day management of mental health issues, to name but a few.  It would be great to say that being an expert on all of the former parts of the list that I could put this experience into place better to manage my psyche, psychoses, neuroses, voices, and the like.  Alas, apart from my IT experience, managing change has never been a strong point of mine - an all or nothing; sh!t or bust, concrete or chaos approach, probably indicative of inner turmoil; change always seeming to be at the behest of others outside me: those “in charge.”  Well, part of my short list of resolutions for the year ahead is to take charge more of my situation: I suppose that it all is about “taking charge” - a mighty leap forward for SpaceBat-kind.  Having regular patterns, flexible enough to cope with the external pressures that might seek to alter them subtly and a proven coping strategy seems to be the way that works for most people.  Likewise, those without these in plan or in place seem to be least able to manage in the long run.  Bright shooting stars, burnt out and gone too soon.  Include me out this time around.  Good luck all in the year ahead.  Oh, and if you need an IT consultant, piece of abstract expressionism, magic spells, philtres or charms, antiques, jewellery, garden, house exchange or support group for BPD, discussions on boating, cooking, politics, the environment, magick, sex or death, you know where to come … and don’t forget to have a great 2009.  Or else.

I received my first comment on this blog today that was not from someone with an ax(e) to grind:

I also believe in magic, well it’s quantum physics in a nutshell isn’t it really?
Comment by yanjiaren 12.29.08

Yanjiaren may have also cracked the secret of how it all works wide open for all to see; well our views seem to concur.  I still haven’t quite worked out how we manage to tamper with the universe through the practice of Magick, but I suppose half of the fun would be over if it was fully understood.  The important thing is that someone read what I wrote yesterday and replied with their own thoughts.

I checked Yanjiaren’s blog, just in case it was all about quantum physics for naked three-bar-fire-circling dancers and was firstly relieved to find that it wasn’t; secondly I was pleased to find that the blog’s focus is on “the race is on to change the World from mean to green” and is well worth a read.  Especially if you are in the “mean” camp - it’s not too late for you - also worth joining GardenLend if you have or need a garden …

What else happened today?  Went shopping, did the laundry, (almost) got my external hard drive working perfectly - well at least good enough, and someone expressed an interest in joining the Borderline Personality Disorder & Family group at:

http://groups.google.com/group/borderline-personality-disorder-and-nons-joined

Without revealing any details here, I explained what the group was for, how it worked, what was offered and that the person in question had more options after joining than before; if only one more option.  The group’s declared aim is to be “A guide to those with BPD and the people who love and care for them. From the outside borderline behavior is confusing to your loved ones. Here we unravel that behavior so we understand ourselves and show those that do truly love us, how to cope and help us be the people we want to be.”

If you are interested, please join http://www.tinyurl.com/BPDandFamily

“Lights” for sale

Human Rights Day is celebrated across the world on 10 December.

The date was chosen to honour the United Nations General Assembly’s adoption and proclamation, on 10 December 1948, of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights (UDHR), the first global enunciation of human rights. The commemoration was established in 1950, when the General Assembly invited all states and interested organizations to celebrate the day as they saw fit.

60 years on from UDHR and what has happened? Looking at my categories:

# Antiques - The work of more oppressed people has moved into the antiques category
# Boating - not much progress, barring emigration and piracy
# BPD - mental health: fewer burnings at the stake, although more use of emergency mental health powers to detain State opponents, my art exhibited online
# Death - much more of it in new and more immediate ways; decentralisation of the “State Murder Squad”
# Food - seems to be less of it to go around more people
# Gardening - “see Food”, likewise less of it to go around, also see “Housing”
# General - prognosis not good
# Jewellery - hoarding against harder times
# Legal - more freedoms granted, more restrictions in place
# Money - more of it in fewer hands
# Politics - bread and circuses
# Recycling - greater need whilst more want newer things, see “money” and “Politics”
# Sex - more diversity, less perversity - did anyone mention bondage?

Have to add a new category:
# Housing - more of it exchangeable - see http://blog.gardenlend.co.uk/2008/12/03/gardenlend-the-next-stage-house-and-garden-swap/

Here’s to the next 60 years - cripes, I shall be 100 and - no doubt - “wearing something tight”

Thanks Leonard Cohen!

Freeganomicon, from Freeganomics,  from Freegan and Economics, from Free + Vegan and Eternally Collapsing Objects + Swiss Bankers?

Just a thought; inspired by the past few days moderating a local branch of an online recycling & gifting network.

In short, and as anonymised as possible:

A local shop has been clearing its fridges of food items as they approach their “end of” dates and a member has been a beneficiary of this act.  Being in possession of more free food than he can either eat or freeze, he started to offer it on the group message board.  As Moderator, I had to check that such offers were allowed. The consensus of opinion was that, as long as people know what they were being offered, it was acceptable.  So far, so good. But - and there’s always a conjunction in these tales -another member saw these posts and opined that they might at best be unsafe and at worst downright unlawful.  Back into conclave I went, only to be assured that the disclaimers issued on a regular basis would cover any eventuality.  The member in question was less sure and so I enquired from the Environmental Health department of my local authority, who enlightened me as to the subtle shades of difference between “Sell by”, “Display until”, “Best before” and “Use by” - oh semantics! - and their legal ramifications.  Quite a can of worms!

In an act of rapid fire-fighting not seen since my days of IT support, I emailed the donor, the querent and the group as a whole explaining the situation, asking for comments to go to the discussion board and perceived infringements to the Moderators.

Comments that I have received range from “why would anyone wish to spoil such access to free food” through to “why don’t they give it to the homeless?”  Regardless of my views on the matter, we do have to operate within the law and so I have tried to make this clear to all concerned.

Changing the subject slightly: some years ago, whilst going through one of several periods of homelessness, the ingenuity, bravado and occasional downright folly that I and a number of my confreres resorted to in order to keep body and soul together during trying times included many encounters with food that would not pass muster by such strict standards; somehow we survived.  Well, most of us did.  But then again, most of us either thought that we were invincible or did not care if we were or not.  As for those who died, it wasn’t from the food; unless liver failure, AIDS, hepatitis, jumping off roofs, heroin overdose or having one’s head sawn off can be caused by wilted broccoli.

Jim Carroll, where are you now?

All that notwithstanding, somehow, I am still here and - although rather diffuse - still in one piece.  Due to ealier problems alluded to and a few more that I haven’t even begun to recount, life has been a bit up and down at times, to say the very least. Until February 25th 2003, when Sarah & I met, fell in love and got married.

This is, however, is not only a tale of Parsiflage (from a little-known German Bierkeller oompah-band number where love conquers all) but also how resourcefulness can if not overcome poverty then make it at least tolerably miserable or even quite bearable (and dare I say it, rather enjoyable) during periods of personal hardship.

Between recessions, Sarah put together an inspiring list of ways to cope in straitened times.  With her permission and some editing of mine own, I submit it thus:

How to live on the Poverty Line and (still) feel good about yourself.

1. Eat at least 4 vegetarian meals a week.
2. Buy as much as you can from the reductions area of your supermarket - items coming up to their sell by date are just as nutritious and most can be frozen.
3. When you buy meat or fish, go for top quality, organic, or supermarket’s own superior ranges in the reductions area.  It tastes better, goes further, and makes you feel as if you are not on the bread line.
4. Invest in a couple of good cookery books covering the sort of foods you liked to eat when you had the money.  That way you can broaden your cooking skills and feel a bit like you used to.
5. On no account buy prepared meals.  They are incredibly expensive for what you get, and as you are more housebound than you used to be, you might as well learn to cook - it is creative and fun, and time just flies by when you are cooking up something tasty.
6. If you can, get an allotment and grown your own fruit and vegetables.  It will help with the budget and get you out of the house and exercised.  If you cannot get an allotment why not see if you can get access to someone’s neglected garden?  I have a free site on the internet called GardenLend that aims to bring together neglected gardens and keen frustrated gardeners.
7. Try and get our once every couple of weeks to see something interesting - there are lots of free galleries and museums, and concessions are usually available for those on benefit if there’s an entry fee.  There are also very good meal deals in restaurants these days.  Eating out as an occasional treat makes the world of difference as it lifts depression and makes you feel part of life again.  At all costs, you must avoid getting that stir-crazy feeling that can make life on benefit a real downer.
8. Buy clothes from charity shops and feel great about it.  You are helping someone who is even worse off than you are, saving an enormous sum of money and recycling at the same time.  How cool is that?
9. Keep a close eye on your finances so that you know exactly how much you have to spend at all times.  If you take your eye off the ball on benefit, you can end up running out of gas, electricity and food money very quickly.  I keep a running total in my diary so that every day I know exactly what I have left.  There’s nothing more depressing than having nothing in the bank and a week to go - so don’t do it.
10. Make sure you’re getting everything you’re entitled to - you have the time to do the research and to sit in queues, so take a book and be prepared to wait.  It’s your money and nothing to be ashamed about.
11. If you have a car, get rid of it if you can get to most of the places you need to by public transport or on foot.  If you can’t, try to exchange it for a more fuel-efficient model and use it effectively so that unnecessary journeys aren’t made.  You have all the time in the world to plan, so do it.
12. If you smoke, use rolling tobacco.  If you drink, keep an eye out for special offers and stick to supermarket’s own brand for spirits.  Buy a decanter from a charity shop and no one (apart from you) will ever know except a single malt fanatic.  If so, suggest they bring their own!
13. Avoid daytime TV as if it were the plague.  It saps your will to live and prevents you from doing anything positive with your time. 
14. Keep or get internet access.  This is a must, as it gives you the world at your fingertips.  There are plenty of on-line free courses that you can do as well - studying and getting qualifications in IT is an area that is particularly well suited to your circumstances, and may give you an edge in getting back to work.
15. If you receive Disability Living Allowance or Carers’ Allowance, you can earn some money without it affecting your benefit.  If you can, try to start up a little business of your own, maybe based on a favourite hobby or just something you’ve always fancied trying.  You have nothing to lose and a great deal to gain in self-esteem and a feeling of empowerment.  Get a partner or friend involved if you cannot manage the whole thing - it may give them the kick-start into self-employment of which they have only ever dreamt. 
16. See the poverty line as an opportunity, not the end of the line.  Be strong and determined.  It is possible to have a good, healthy, fulfilling life while you are evaluating your options and deciding what you want to do with the rest of your life.  You ex-colleagues would give their eye-teeth to escape the rat race for a while and have the opportunity to make a fresh start - you are able to do that.  So do it!

In addition, the Freecycle Network is a wonderful way of helping “change the world, one gift at a time” and a great way of redistributing unwanted things and saving them from landfill - of immense help in cashless times.  The Freegan network is another outlook on ” living with a new motivation” and also merits serious consideration. 

Any further thoughts on how to squeak through on little or no money would be welcomed.  Likewise, any use of these ideas is highly recommended.  Is that 100 words yet?Oh, swapping places to live can change your outlook on life - gardens tend to feature heavily.  Did I mention this before?  Only missing one category: boating.  Well - blow me down & pick me up, I think Ive squeezed in the topic  - if you have a nearby river or canal, we would be even more interesting in swapping with you. Please see http://blog.gardenlend.co.uk/2008/12/03/ for more details.